San Francisco 49ers quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo is currently unconscious in a glass casket after being tricked into eating a poisoned apple by former teammate Tom Brady.
Brady, who used a 52-year-old hoodie to disguise himself as kindly old New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick in order to trick Garoppolo into accepting the deadly fruit, was reportedly motivated by jealousy.
Some weeks earlier, Brady, whilst gazing into his magic mirror and repeating his favourite phrase: “Magic mirror in my hand, who is the fairest in the land?”, had a shock when the face of Jimmy Garoppolo appeared instead of his own.
Brady immediately requested that Belichick have Rob Gronkowski take Garrapolo out into the forest and kill him.
However, Gronkowski could not go through with the heinous deed and Belichick instead opted to trade the young handsome and talented Garrapolo to the San Francisco 49ers.
But this did not satisfy Brady, who was tormented by constant reminders from his mirror that the new 49ers quarterback was better-looking than him.
Brady’s wife, Gisele Bündchen, compounded the NFL star’s agony by parading around in a Garrapolo jersey.
The five-time Super Bowl winner decided to take the drastic action of poisoning Garoppolo, leaving his former back-up in a coma.
But fear not, Jimmy G fans; reportedly, 92% of the San Francisco population are currently volunteering to be Garoppolo’s Handsome Prince/Princess and awaken him with a kiss.