Sir Alex Ferguson is now out of intensive care after having reportedly informed the Grim Reaper that he was entitled to at least five years of added time.

“I came to take him away from this mortal plane,” explained the Grim Reaper, after the Manchester United legend suffered a brain haemorrhage.

“But he kept pointing to his watch and claiming there had been time-wasting and numerous substitutions during his 76 years.

“I don’t know why, but I felt compelled to do what he told me.”

Sir Alex was in a philosophical mood.

“I wasn’t going to let Death take me before He took Arsene Wenger.”

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