The Prince Of Darkness has made a heartfelt plea to all of Earth’s self-appointed Devil’s Advocates to stop talking as if they represent his views.
This request follows a recent trend of young men offering the alternative side to a debate that they don’t even believe in order to be thought of as intelligent, edgy and bold.
“I usually agree with the general consensus on most political topics,” explained 26-year-old Surrey-based Devil’s Advocate Derick Lambert.
“But if I just nod along then I wouldn’t be doing my job as Devil’s Advocate very well, would I?”
Satan had a lot to say on the subject.
“It’s enough that I have to think up cruel and unusual punishments for the sickos that get sent down here…you know, ones that won’t actually get them off in some weird way,” explained Satan.
“But to hear that I’ve got a bunch of contrarian dickheads up on Earth misrepresenting my sociopolitical opinions can really spoil my day.
“Take the abortion debate. Everyone at the pub will agree that, although it’s a tough choice, a woman should have the right to make that decision on her own. Which I completely endorse. More sinful foetuses for me! Just kidding, ha ha.
“But then some twat like Derick Lambert will parrot his favourite alt-right podcaster by saying ‘Hmm, but shouldn’t the guy have a say in it?’ and someone will feel the need to correct him and before you know it everyone’s calling it an early night and cursing my name even more than they do already!
“What does that even fucking mean? How does a guy not have a say in it already? Really gets my goat, ha ha.”
Derick Lambert made a considered response.
“Sure, I mean I see His point…but has He thought about the possibility that his years in Hell may have just conditioned him to think that way?”