With the World Cup fast approaching, the host nation of Russia has begun offering special budget ‘prison tours’ to English football fans.

The VIP experience will start in London Heathrow, in the cargo hold of new Russian airline Putin’s Planes, which reportedly has safety measures so stringent that the fatality rate remains safely under 40%.

Upon landing, they will immediately be granted secure armed passage to their central Moscow lodgings, Butyrka Prison (rated 4 stars on TripAdvisor), where they will experience local delicacies such as caviar, vodka and both new and experimental nerve agents.

After the feast, any guests still standing will take part in a number of fun Moscow activities, including police brutality, hose pipe showers and Russian Roulette (with extra bullets for added authenticity) before watching the prison guards watch the opening World Cup game from their small but cosy cells.

Russian President/UK Tourism Liaison Minister Vladimir Putin gave his personal assurance regarding the tours.

“It will be an experience of a lifetime for any of our English friends who make the trip,” said Putin.

“We cannot unfortunately guarantee the safety of our guests, due to the inevitable presence of lawless Ukrainians, although bringing substantial bribery money may help.

“But I guarantee that although some of the great activities may leave our English friends, beaten, bruised, paralysed or even dead, it will be less painful for them than watching England against Panama.”

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