The International Quidditch Association and the Metropolitan Police Service held a series of crisis meetings this week following a dramatic rise in fan violence during recent Quidditch matches.

Derived from the Harry Potter saga, Quidditch rules have been adapted to acknowledge the absence of magic.

It is not widely played in the UK, with an average match attracting only a few dozen spectators. However recent attendances have soared and with it violent clashes have become a regular occurrence.

Officials believe that an increasing amount of soccer fans are turning to Quidditch, disillusioned with heavy-handed policing and inflated ticket prices in the English Premiere League.

A real concern for authorities is that these displaced fan groups appear to include a concentrated hard-core of West Ham hooligans who have been ostracised from ‘the beautiful game’.

The result has seen a febrile mix of hardened criminals clashing with young Potter enthusiasts and on several occasions this has boiled over into widespread disorder.

In a recent incident, police are appealing for help in apprehending a middle aged, heavy-set man caught on CCTV confronting a young Quidditch fan who was dressed as a wizard. He is heard to shout, “Expelliarmus this!” before striking the young man in the throat with a pool cue.

Asked about their conversion to Quidditch, one West Ham veteran opined, “You just can’t have a decent tear-up no more. Quidditch is fucking feisty though. You’ve gotta keep your nut, Tweeberry Hamlet are a tasty bunch of cunts.



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