Luke Skywalker has declared that his life has “sucked” and that people should think twice before whining about their own insignificant problems.
Sick of people moaning on Facebook about having a bad day, the heroic Jedi master, who has been hiding in isolation on a small island for the last few years, finally vented on how awful his life has been.
“Everybody tells me how they want to be just like me and that I’m really cool,” said Skywalker, “but I just can’t catch a break.”
There is no doubt that Skywalker had a tough upbringing.
His mother died in childbirth, following a nasty force-choking from his father.
His aunt and uncle held him back from going to The Academy long enough for him to witness the immediate aftermath of their brutal murder in a rare ‘accurate stormtrooper shooting’ incident.
His replacement guardian, Obi Wan Kenobi, was murdered shortly afterwards by a heavy-breathing man in a black suit, who went on to kill Luke’s best friend, chop off his hand before revealing that he was actually his Dad.
Luke and his father eventually found some common ground, reconciling on the second Death Star. However, any familial bonding was short-lived and within an hour Luke was burning his father’s remains.
“I finally defeated the Empire and set up a fantastic Jedi academy, but then all my students were massacred by my emo nephew and his crew,” explained the ageing Jedi.
“Nobody wants to attend a college with a 94% fatality rate.
“And people keep asking me if this Rey girl is my daughter. That’s crazy. I’ve had one romantic encounter in my entire life and that was when I snogged my sister over 30 years ago!” pointed out the 60-year-old virgin.
It certainly sucks to be Luke Skywalker.