In a surprising turn of events, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or Mormonism, has made the official statement that the state of Utah wasn’t their first choice for a settlement.
“We were really hoping for Arizona or Washington. We would have even been OK with Colorado, but you know, things happens, people get typhoid, and you end up in Utah,” said Richard E. Turley Jr., Head of PR for the Church.
“Could we have chosen somewhere warmer? Sure. Less desolate and rocky? Definitely. Somewhere where life doesn’t feel like a long slog of dragging your feet to the grave? 100%. But we didn’t. We chose Utah and now we’re here.”
“Honestly, I never questioned why our religion chose Utah,” added lifelong church member Nancy Beam.
“I guess I just thought they wanted to punish us for our sins in our past lives. For example, in my past life I was a very surly Irish potato farmer who beat my wife. So I definitely deserve to live in Utah.”
While many suspected the Church has disliked its choice for some time, this is the first time that any official statement has been made about the truly awful and ridiculous choice to live in the barren, death-filled lands of Utah.