Can we get a “YEAAAHHH BRO” welcome to the newest member of the Supreme Court Justice and the recipient of October 2018’s Mook of the Month award – none other than the King of Kegs himself, Brett Kavanaugh.
He’s just a simple guy who likes to drink beer and watch teenage girls play basketball and there’s Absolutely. Nothing. Wrong. With. That.
Bretty Boy has been, uh, thrust into the limelight recently, having to defend himself against multiple sexual assault allegations, most notably from Dr Christine Blasey Ford.
Throughout the trial he’s insisted that as a teen and young adult he never got drunk or blacked out, despite writing in his high school yearbook that he was the “Treasurer of the Keg City Club – 100 kegs or bust”. #lad
Perhaps the cheeky Irish exchange student, Bart O’Kavanaugh changed Brett’s entry right before submission? You know, the one who loves partying and Devil’s Triangles that features heavily in Brett’s good friend Mark Judge’s memoir ‘Wasted: Tales of a Gen X Drunk’. Have you even boofed yet?
Like a Schrödinger’s cat of hypocrisy, Brett then insists that he is both an “impartial arbiter who favors no political party, litigant or policy” before lashing out at the Democratic Party saying that Ford’s allegations have been a “coordinated attack orchestrated as part of a Clinton revenge plot”. Yikes!
I thought we all just assumed Clinton had been free-running in the North Country woods this past year? Just us?
10,000 gallons of Evian later and nothing seems to be quenching Bart-O’s uncomfortable thirst, so instead of answering senator Senator Amy Klobuchar’s questions, he starts aggressively barking, “I like beer. Do you like beer? Have you ever gotten drunk? HAVE YOU? I wanna know. Can I come next time? Fuck, I love beer. Mmmm beer.”
In a last-ditch attempt, he namedrops his daughter whose “prayers are with the victim” (not sure how he thought that one would look), as some kind of moral defence. Because Dads can’t be pervy pricks, right Donald?
Happy with his performance, Kavanaugh decides to revisit the saga in an op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, which he ends with a garbled list of vague idioms.
“I will remain optimistic, on the sunrise side of the mountain. I will continue to see the day that is coming, not the day that is gone.”
Turns out that Brett’s glass is indeed half full (of beer! YEAH!), as he has now secured his nomination to the unfireable position of highest court in the land.
US of A, did you just get mooked?