Outraged feminists are furious that males account for 97% of workplace deaths and are campaigning for this gap to be tightened.

Several spokespersons for women everywhere have claimed that a skewed narrative of chivalry is keeping their entire gender immiserated in a system that allows them to work much more safely than their male counterparts.

Leading feminist Katniss Brown is beseeching females to rise up against this inequality by offing themselves during working hours.

Sure, you could finish that report, put in the same hours as your male colleagues, etc., etc., but if you brain yourself with that stapler then you’ll be taking a big step forward towards leveling out those stats.”

Finishing the interview at her office over a strychnine-laced soy latte, Brown offers practical examples from feminist icons around the world.

Take inspiration from the likes of Amelia Atwood who recently won the right to work on an Alaskan oil rig wearing high heels. Those dinky stilettos will no doubt cause her to plummet to her death whilst fixing a loose bolt on the crane.”

Pausing to wipe froth from her chin and delegate the remainder of her afternoon’s task to her secretary, Brown whimpered, “Of course, she may spike one of her shoes through an oil drum and cause a rig-wide explosion that wipes out the 138 men working alongside her. This would set our movement back from a statistical point of view, but that’s a risk she’s willing to take. God bless her.”


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