The embattled political consulting firm Cambridge Analytica has announced that it has agreed a merger deal with supermarket juggernaut Asda.
“We’re in a spot of bother, there’s no denying that,” said the spokesperson.
“So aligning ourselves with a wholesome brand such as Asda makes a lot of sense for us.
“We’ve seen what it’s likely to do for Sainsbury’s; the projections are really strong.
“I think we’ve realised that life is too short to spend it riling up gun-toting racists for no good reason. We think counting watermelons will be a welcome change of pace and that’s exactly what we intend to focus on moving forward at Asdalytica.”