With Democratic and Republican presidential candidates polling at historic lows, Americans are seeking independent third party candidates to waste their votes on.

A candidate that has gained a lot of traction this week is convicted pedophile, murderer and professional pickup artist Herbert Ivan V. who is running under the newly formed American Independent Democratic Socialist party (AIDS).

Addressing a convention hall packed with thousands of disenfranchised white Americans, with thousands more waiting outside, H.I.V. told the crowd, “I promise to be an epidemic to the American people.

Mr. V’s speech was greeted with chants of, “All! Lives! Matter!” to match the slogan printed on the candidate’s tank top. Proceedings were interrupted by a violent outburst when an audience member was assumed to be both a minority and a woman, but calmed down when the crowd realized that it was simply a bro with a really sweet tan.

Mr. V closed his speech with, “Given the general terrible choices we have at present I seem to be a truly viable option.


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