It’s no secret that big pharmaceutical companies have a vested interest in keeping the public as ill as possible, so that their profits rise through the roof – but what if Big Pharma is actually trying to kill you personally?!

Here are six ways to tell if Big Pharma have begun plotting your demise (and advice on how to stop them).

6. They’re trying to vaccinate you against disease by infecting you with that same disease    Mook News - Vaccination

Studies conducted on the internet have shown that some people still get the flu even when they’ve been vaccinated that year. More sinister than this is that some people even exhibit flu-like symptoms in the days following being vaccinated, when they were perfectly healthy to begin with. Wow! There’s no question that this is a sinister plot by Big Pharma to take you out of employment and make you feel ‘a bit shit’ for sometimes up to a week.

Next time someone urges you to infect yourself with a virus for ‘the good of the herd’, ask to see their Big Pharma ID card then get the hell out of Dodge.

5. They’re urging you to receive medical treatment for life-threatening diseases instead of just eating a punnet of blueberries

Mook News - blueberries

It’s a well-established fact that blueberries are extremely high in antioxidants, a substance which leaches toxins from the body and keeps you fighting fit. The idea of getting a deadly chemical transfused into your body over a three-month period is abhorrent – remember, if you don’t like the taste of blueberries, then there are always ways to mask the flavour that don’t require chemotherapy. Try adding honey, cinnamon or even ginger to your berry mix to make it more palatable.

4. You’ve become ‘woke’ in recent months

Mook News - meditate

Watch out. The last thing that Big Pharma needs is the PR disaster of yet another person woking up to their shenanigans. You can’t help that you’ve strayed from the sheeple, but if you want to avoid their wrath then keep your opinions about our chemical overlords to clandestine meetings in mindfulness centers.

3. Your aspirins have started coming with a skull and crossbones on them

Mook News - poison pills

Big red flag. If you’re worried about the authenticity of your mild pain relief pills, try nibbling a corner and waiting an hour. If you haven’t keeled over in writhing agony then it should be safe to swallow the rest of the tablet.

2. Your doctor has begun laughing maniacally every time that they hand over a prescription

Mook News - Doctor

Not all doctors can keep a poker face when giving a prescription of either sugar-coated placebos, death pills or both. If your doc can’t suppress an evil cackle when they sign your script then it’s time to rip up that little slip of paper, throw it in the bastard’s face and scream, “I AM NOT YOUR GUINEA PIG AND/OR CASH COW!” before striding out of the room, Petty’s Free Fallin’ just blasting out of your iPhone.

1. You thought it was spelled ‘Big Farmer’

Mook News - Farmer

To be honest, you’ve kind of got it coming.