The relative box office failure of Solo: A Star Wars Story has not deterred Disney from announcing six new films to be released over the next five years.
Fans simply won’t believe what’s coming!
1) CSI: Mos Eisley
Mos Eisley spaceport in Tatooine is well known for being a wretched hive of scum and villainy, with a 38% murder rate that sits only behind Detroit.
This indie R-rated spin-off will focus on the Mos Eisley police using their forensic techniques to solve the spaceport’s many murders, maimings and executions.
Starring Lindsay Lohan as Greedo and James Corden as Jabba the Hut, only one thing is certain about this unpredictable realistic Star Wars crime thriller: Han shot first.
2) Star Wars: A New Hope – Rian Johnson Cut
Fans were delighted with the direction Johnson took the franchise and the character of Luke Skywalker in The Last Jedi. So it’s only fitting that the visionary director has the opportunity to put his spin on the first film in the Saga and subvert our expectations once more.
Viewers can expect Luke to never leave his farm on Tatooine, instead blaming himself for his aunt and uncle’s death and making it clear that he couldn’t make a difference anyway before sulking for the rest of the film until he dies of exhaustion whilst bringing home a power converter.
Meanwhile Darth Vader is killed halfway through the film, as a result of a sneak attack by Grand Moff Tarkin.
Leia escapes the Death Star using her force space flight powers, before the Battle Station is blown up by a young Rose Tico.
3) Jar Jar Binks: A Star Wars Story
The origin story that everybody really wants, directed by Joel Schumacher.
Binks was the best thing about the prequels and here we get to explore how he got the name Jar Jar, how he became the lovable goofy comic genius we see in The Phantom Menace and his initial training as a Sith Lord.
4) BB8: Rise of the Machine
BB8 was a cute comedic droid in The Force Awakens. But in The Last Jedi, BB8 had a higher body count than Luke Skywalker. The robotic ball managed to take out 34 First Order stormtroopers, eight prison guards and an evil gambling arms dealer. Unfortunately, Luke only managed to take out himself.
We can’t wait to see this BB8 vengeance film. Details are limited at the moment, but Michael Bay is signed on to direct and assures us that it will be a perfect mix of Transformers, Terminator and Robocop.
5) Extreme Makeover: Emperor Palpatine
Palpatine was never known for his looks or compassion, but to show his human side he agreed to star in this cosmetic surgery showpiece with Kim Kardashian.
We don’t want to spoil the ending, but let’s just say that KK is in for an electric shock!
6) 128 Hours: A Darth Maul Story
A tale of trauma, survival and hope. Of the people/Sith Lords who have been literally chopped in half and fallen down a bottomless pit, only 8% survive.
Brooding ladies man Darth Maul was one of the few. Relive his dramatic escape from the jaws of dismemberment/broken neck/death in this dramatic thriller.
(Actually, we think Disney is going too far with this one.)