100 million impoverished Americans gave thanks that the Dow Jones Index surpassed 19,000 for the first time and remained at a record high on Thanksgiving Day.

Joining a long line at a food bank in Detroit, Robert Jackson said that he was really happy that the country’s economy was doing so well.

“I can’t buy any shares at the moment,” said Jackson as he changed out of his janitor’s uniform and into a torn tracksuit, “but I hope to one day.”

Unemployed plumber John Williams joined him in the line and agreed, “I feel very proud that our Dow Jones Industrial Average is so high. It shows that America is doing real good.”