Manchester United have announced that Zlatan Ibrahimović will return within the next month as a cyborg superhuman forward known only as RoboZlatan.
Some would say, including Ibrahimovic himself, that the Swedish forward is already superhuman, but the new mechanical enhancements will provide him with Usain Bolt speed, incredible strength and laser-precision shooting accuracy.
The FA are frantically poring through their rulebook to see if United have found a loophole to allow them to field RoboZlatan.
Meanwhile FIFA are asking for a backhander and corporate trips to Barbados.
“Finally technology has started to catch up to Zlatan’s brilliance,” explained Ibrahimovic.
“Up until now, my vision and skill could not be reproduced by a body part, whether organic or mechanical.
“I predict a decade of RoboZlatan dominance.”