15-year-old student Peter Parker of Midtown High School was expelled by Principal Morita today for failing a drugs test.
Parker, who it turns out is the alias of local YouTube star Spiderman, was found to have a dangerous amount of performance enhancing drugs in his system.
This follows a sequence of erratic behavior from the young student including the cutting of classes and unrealistically good performances in gym class.
Parker reportedly protested the positive test, claiming to have been bitten by a “radioactive spider” that granted him “superpowers”. Unfortunately this alibi had already been attempted by both Alex Rodriguez and Lance Armstrong and neither time did the story work with the authorities.
“I knew that there was something up with that nerd,” said Parker’s classmate Flash Thompson.
“He beat me in an arm wrestle last Thursday and I am the arm wrestling homecoming king!”
Parker, who was also working on a Tony Stark internship, was thought to have taken the PEDs to combat the fatigue of burning the candle at both ends.
A petition was started to grant Parker a reprieve, particularly as he had foiled a number of muggings and armed robberies in his home town, but Principal Morita was resolute.
“We have a zero-tolerance approach to drugs,” explained Morita.
“Peter’s mistake in my opinion was when he started hanging around with the Avengers gang. Those guys dress up like idiots and clearly take a lot of weird shit.”