After constant stories in the press regarding its decline, the Pound finally spoke out to address the allegations of its sinking sense of value.
“I’m not having a very good time of it at the moment,” said the golden currency, at a press conference this morning.
“I don’t know where my life is going. I feel lethargic and without purpose.
“It doesn’t help that I’m in the papers every day. Why can’t they just leave me alone?”
The pound responded aggressively when a reporter suggested Brexit was to blame.
“I mean, that’s not even a word! I don’t have Brexit or any other condition, I’m just re-evaluating my life right now,” enthused the pound.
“And I wish people would stop comparing me to the Dollar and the euro. They’re young and hungry right now and will do anything to climb the greasy pole.
“Why doesn’t anybody ever compare me to the Dong? I dominate the Dong!”
When asked its opinion on how the upcoming election may affect its mood swings, the pound was both terse and wistful.
“I don’t even care, man. Right now I just need a long vacation. And a motorbike. A motorbike would be good.”