George R. R. Martin is dramatically reworking J. R. R. Tolkien’s fantasy masterpiece The Lord of the Rings in his own unique style, it has been announced.

With his fans waiting eagerly for the release of Winds of Winter, it seems that we now have a reason for Martin’s delay, complete with fan theories and alleged plot leaks.

It has been heavily rumored that the Council of Elrond will turn into a bloodbath, after Aragorn rescinds his promise to marry Eowyn in order for her uncle Theoden to grant the fellowship safe passage through the Gap of Rohan.

With everybody drunk on Elvish wine, Eomer will take the opportunity to stab Aragorn several times in the gut whilst whispering to the dying ranger, “Saruman sends his regards.”

Meanwhile Frodo is decapitated by the spurned Eowyn and has his head replaced with that of an Orc, resulting in the need for a new ring-bearer.

“I did like Lord of the Rings,” said Martin, “particularly when Frodo gets his finger bitten off and when they catapult those severed heads into Minas Tirith.

“But of all the main characters, only Boromir dies and that really limits who Sean Bean can play in any adaption.”

A source close to the Game of Thrones creator has warned that very few characters will survive in this new edition, with only Gimli, Pippin and Jon Snow assured to make it to the end.

“I can’t wait to reveal who Sam’s real parents are in the Return of the King!” exclaimed the bearded writer.

“COUGH! Gandalf and Bilbo.”


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