George Osborne has been ordered to wear a Hannibal Lecter-esque mask at all times when he works at the editorial section of the London Evening Standard.
It has been reported that Mr Osborne has made frequent references to his desire of having Prime Minister Theresa May chopped up into little pieces and kept in his freezer.
“The first time we all just took it as an offbeat and fairly creepy metaphor, but as time went on we began to realise that Mr Osborne was in fact being quite literal,” commented one Standard writer.
“It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment when we realised we needed to take precautionary measures in the office, but it was around the time Mr Osborne started aggressively sniffing the air around him and referring to all the female staff members as Clarice.
“Basically, Mr Osborne went full Hannibal. And you should never go full Hannibal.”
When asked about his comments, Mr Osborne shrugged it off stating that, “The whole thing has been blown completely out of proportion.
“Theresa and I are ready to put all this bad blood…mmm blood…uh, behind us.
“She’s actually coming round to mine next week to share some fava beans and a nice Chianti.”