Although that summer working in your Dad’s car lot was rad, you don’t want to turn out like Denny, 34 and washing Chevys, hoping that the old man gives him the afternoon off to cruise past high schools at home time. Bro, you need to get employed.
Get your cousin to hook you up with an intro to his firm, slick back your ’do and then put in the like 30 hours a week or whatever, so come Friday you can make it RAIN!
To make sure that you don’t fuck up, follow this guide.
Make A Strong First Impression, Bro
Eye contact? Pffff, it’s all about hand contact. Don’t let that first handshake go until the interview is over, no matter whether it’s a quick meet-and-greet or a day-long seminar.
If there are two interviewers, go for the double-hand approach. If there are more, encourage them to form a hand-clasping circle before the interview continues.*
* Important: if you’re in a group scenario, make sure that the other interviewees are left outside the circle. Survival of the fittest, bro.
Show Assertiveness, Bro
Begin the interview by listing everyone you’ve ever punched.
Do Your Research, Bro
Show that you have both excellent fact-finding skills and hold strong family values by getting a tattoo of the interviewer’s kids before the meeting. Reveal it subtly; if it’s on your pec (recommended) simply peel your shirt off halfway through the interview (provided that you’ve gone down the controversial ‘wearing a shirt’ route) and retain eye contact, nodding slowly.
Display Athletic Prowess, Bro
Demonstrate your ability to benchpress people. Bring your own person though, as you don’t want to be embarrassed by underestimating someone’s weight…some chicks seem to hide it all in their ears, right? Right?!
Show Aspiration, Bro
Let your future boss know that ultimately you are after his job. Don’t do this by talking though; just before leaving, take out your Buster Hymen and spray his door with golden rain.
Alternatively, fill a thin tray with piss and slide it under his door just after leaving, for the softer approach. If you do go this way, remember: It MUST be your piss. Someone else’s will send mixed messages.
Seal The Deal, Bro
Once you’ve crushed the interview, you’ll need to high-five everyone in the office and their immediate families. Bring a notepad or set up a spreadsheet on your smartphone and ask for names and address of wives, husbands, and children of every employee in the building. To save time and any confusion, it’s best to yell the request and hint at having something hidden in your back pocket.
There’s no way that you’re not going to CRUSH this interview, bro; if you pick up any more tips during it, keep us in the loop at @Ask_Brah!