MOOK NEWS

President Trump has signed the Energy Independence Executive Order, essentially undoing the polices put in place by the Obama administration to fight climate change. You’re asking, “Great, but how will this affect me?”

Here are your answers.

 

5. Acid Rain

Mook News - acid rain

Shortly after the Trump’s orders are put in place, climate professors predict that scalding acid rain will begin to fall from the sky, burning the skin of any unfortunate soul caught outside. Better pack an umbrella!

 

4. Lake Tsunamis

Mook News - tsunami

Think you’re safe from tsunamis just because you don’t live by an ocean? Think again.

After the orders, leading geologists claim that ‘lake tsunamis’ in the Midwest and Northwest regions of the US will flood nearly a third of the land with massive waves. Surf’s up!

 

3. Increase in Road Marauders

Mook News -thief

Climate scientists have found a direct correlation between climate change policies and the amount of violent road marauders stalking our highways, looking for gas and easy kills.

If these orders are instituted by Trump, conservative predictions estimate the amount of road marauders will increase tenfold, maybe even twentyfold on desert highways. On the plus side, leathers and chains are so in right now.

 

2. Loss Of Libido

Mook News - impotence

Another correlation regarding climate change is a wavering sex drive. According to climate researchers, 78% of US men will be become impotent immediately after these orders are signed. Yikes!

 

1. Your Family Will Stop Loving You

Mook News - family

Now, this is only speculation by a handful of scientists, but they believe that as the weather shifts and the previous four changes occur, people will stop worrying about traditional family dynamics and society will turn into a survival culture, which may or may not contain rival gangs warring over gas and the last remaining food. Better say your goodbyes now!

 

Well, there it is, folks – your President has doomed you to become a burned, drowned, robbed, impotent loner with one flourish of his regular-sized hand.

Do you think he was right to risk America’s long-term future for short-term economic growth?

Let us know in the Comments section below!

Comments

Shares 76