MOOK NEWS

Let us know if you’re feeling this, bro – it’s not just chicks at the gym, chicks at work, chicks on the street; now chicks are everywhere online too! So many options, it’s like chick, chick, chick, everywhere you look!

But guess what? They’ve got a lot of options too. Yeah bro, it works both ways. Bro needs an edge. Well, lucky for you, brosef, we’ve got just the thing!

Follow this guide and there’s no way that you won’t be spearing that bullseye by the end of the night.

5. Be Poetic, Bro

Mook News - poetic

This chick’s going to be dripping just at the sight of your torn abs and twin howitzers hulking out of your white T, natch, but why not mix things up a bit? Show your softer side by reciting poetry throughout the evening.

Bro, this is only going to work if you get properly into character, so hold your arms up high, get right up in her grill and scream, “My name is Ozymandias, king of kings: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!

Do this after every strike, half-strike or whenever she throws a gutterball.

If you haven’t taken your chick to a bowling alley (why not?) then you can do it after every ‘win’, like flicking peanuts in the air and catching them in your mouth. Just remember to do it for every single nut for the full poetic effect.

 

4. Be In Touch, Bro

Mook News - Checklist

Chicks dig empathy, yo.  They want to know that you understand them.

So, once you’ve established all of the necessary personal details (age, height, weight, skin colour, gender – this is going to be easier if you met this chick on Tinder), lock eyes and list every person that you know that shares each of these characteristics.

If you don’t want to say all of them out loud, you can bring a printout with you but maybe think about sending the list in a WhatsApp just before the date, because the planet, bro.

 

3. Plan Ahead, Bro

Mook News - Taxi

Chicks want a bro to take control, you feel?

To make her feel truly relaxed, order a taxi for her to leave from your house in the morning well ahead of time, like within the first five minutes of the date. Double-check with her that you have her correct address and that she has sufficient cash to cover the charge.  Then just take the phone away from your ear and go back to playing Candy Crush like it’s no big thing.

 

2. Be Thoughtful, Bro

Mook News - couple

If you’ve followed the first three points, there’s no way that this evening isn’t ending in a home run. And that’s a euphemism, bro; you’re going to have penetrative sex with her.

A modern bro will consider a chick’s feelings and put her in as safe a space as possible before taking a trip to pound town. It’s for this reason that you have to talk her through exactly what you have planned for sex before any of the action begins.  

So that there’s no misunderstanding, it’s best to act the entire plan out in front of her; feel free to use a prop, although don’t use anything that might intimidate her and make her feel less desirable, so go for a pillow, a lacrosse stick, a less hot chick, etc.

 

1. Be Respectful, Bro

Mook News - axe

Assure her that you’ll never forget this magic night by taking your hatchet out if your sock drawer and carving a notch on your bedpost. Explain to her that the deeper the notch, the more you enjoyed tapping the ass of the chick whom it represents.

The sound of the ‘THWACK!’ will deeply satisfy her and wipe away any doubts that didn’t do her part properly. If you especially like this chick and may want to see her again in a few months, leave the hatchet in the bedpost and suggest watching half a Friday Night Lights episode together before ‘just remembering’ that you have to go work out at your bro’s.

 

This is a totally bulletproof plan to make sure that a bro CRUSHES on a first date; however, we’re humble, bros, we’re humble – if we’ve missed anything out, fill us in on @Ask_Brah.

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